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What can't stay goes away

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Give me just a little more time
I wish more people used live journal. I question it's purpose for me... and for you.

Well this summer has been nothing short of AMAZING. My best summer I have had for sure AND it doesn't end for me... the fun can continue!

A lot of growth has occurred this summer. In the beginning I was dreading every wedding as it was a reminder of my loneliness. But I enjoyed every minute of each. I think I have overcome this feeling that dragged me down for much of my life... beginning in the teenage year (which is evident in my earlier posts). If memory serves me right I began lj shortly after Tom and I broke up.... oh the beginning of "depression." The loneliness - the need for another - this dependency I created in myself oh it was strong. I feel that it continued to be strong until this summer. This is evidenced by past relationships - my feelings and actions toward the other.

Grad school and my adjustments and goals to become more "introverted" assisted in my acceptance of loneliness - or should I say reframing situations of me being home alone and enjoying the solitude and lack of interactions with others. Now I feel that I can engage in a Friday night at home and not feel "depressed" or "lonely." This is a big accomplishment for me - in that I am proud.

In conclusion - with the Eudaimonic happiness that I feel I have gained from my graduation and acceptance of myself and continued goals for worth - I am now seeking life head-on - full of happiness (also hedonistic). I find that with eudaimonic happiness achieved, the hedonistic pleasures come easily - as we should not SEARCH for them (hedonistic pleasure), but allow these pleasures to come in passing while we keep our eye on the end goal... the goals that work toward achievement of the betterment of the self.

Goals I have worked on this summer:
Running a 5k once again after 6 years
Darts (more of a fun bar activity, but I'll count this)
Eating healthier (began this more at the end of summer)

Future Goals:
Begin to train for half marathon
Maybe take up cross country skiing?
Continue darts :-)
Continue goal of eating healthier
*Continue to research, modify as needed and stick to moral/ethical standards of self
Continue to work hard at work and be the best therapist that I can be every day

I know many don't value my job (evidenced by societies overall value and the monetary value that I gain from it) but I do. Although I do not engage in physical surgery, I assist people from taking their own lives or someone else's. I called a client today who I have rated as a moderate risk for violence last reporting inability to manage his anger, in a manic episode and experiencing psychosis, telling me that he will kill someone who upsets him. I provide him with resources, discuss coping, and make plan of action including a 5 day follow-up visit. I noticed he canceled this appt yesterday. I call today to make outreach due to current risk. Pt reports doing well and better ability to manage his anger/emotions. Thanks me for our last session and reports it to be extremely helpful. I value what I do, and so do many of my clients. I know many people don't, even those close to me - it hurts my feelings? yes, do I care? obviously. Will I let it affect me and what I choose to do with life? No.

There has been some loss over the past few months too. Between loosing stripes, friends moving away, the loss of Neil Brundage, and a therapist leaving, there has been some recent changes. Loss is for sure difficult and I actually enjoy processing this with clients. Although we have special people in our lives that fill certain needs - nothing is stagnant and we must be prepared for change. We end up moving along and finding new ways to have needs fulfilled. Or we turn into ourselves, become depressed, and often develop unhealthy patterns of not trusting others and therefore not being able to once again form a relationship as healthy as the previous. But I understand in order to be a healthy individual we much adapt to our changes, trust, and engage with others who can assist us in this process. Although I understand this I am recently concerned that I will never be able to fully enjoy or even engage in a committed relationship due to this view... humph.

OK well that's quite a bit for now.

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hahaha you're adorable :-)

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