Here's a thought, if you're willing to listen

What can't stay goes away

Give me just a little more time
I wish more people used live journal. I question it's purpose for me... and for you.

Well this summer has been nothing short of AMAZING. My best summer I have had for sure AND it doesn't end for me... the fun can continue!

A lot of growth has occurred this summer. In the beginning I was dreading every wedding as it was a reminder of my loneliness. But I enjoyed every minute of each. I think I have overcome this feeling that dragged me down for much of my life... beginning in the teenage year (which is evident in my earlier posts). If memory serves me right I began lj shortly after Tom and I broke up.... oh the beginning of "depression." The loneliness - the need for another - this dependency I created in myself oh it was strong. I feel that it continued to be strong until this summer. This is evidenced by past relationships - my feelings and actions toward the other.

Grad school and my adjustments and goals to become more "introverted" assisted in my acceptance of loneliness - or should I say reframing situations of me being home alone and enjoying the solitude and lack of interactions with others. Now I feel that I can engage in a Friday night at home and not feel "depressed" or "lonely." This is a big accomplishment for me - in that I am proud.

In conclusion - with the Eudaimonic happiness that I feel I have gained from my graduation and acceptance of myself and continued goals for worth - I am now seeking life head-on - full of happiness (also hedonistic). I find that with eudaimonic happiness achieved, the hedonistic pleasures come easily - as we should not SEARCH for them (hedonistic pleasure), but allow these pleasures to come in passing while we keep our eye on the end goal... the goals that work toward achievement of the betterment of the self.

Goals I have worked on this summer:
Running a 5k once again after 6 years
Darts (more of a fun bar activity, but I'll count this)
Eating healthier (began this more at the end of summer)

Future Goals:
Begin to train for half marathon
Maybe take up cross country skiing?
Continue darts :-)
Continue goal of eating healthier
*Continue to research, modify as needed and stick to moral/ethical standards of self
Continue to work hard at work and be the best therapist that I can be every day

I know many don't value my job (evidenced by societies overall value and the monetary value that I gain from it) but I do. Although I do not engage in physical surgery, I assist people from taking their own lives or someone else's. I called a client today who I have rated as a moderate risk for violence last reporting inability to manage his anger, in a manic episode and experiencing psychosis, telling me that he will kill someone who upsets him. I provide him with resources, discuss coping, and make plan of action including a 5 day follow-up visit. I noticed he canceled this appt yesterday. I call today to make outreach due to current risk. Pt reports doing well and better ability to manage his anger/emotions. Thanks me for our last session and reports it to be extremely helpful. I value what I do, and so do many of my clients. I know many people don't, even those close to me - it hurts my feelings? yes, do I care? obviously. Will I let it affect me and what I choose to do with life? No.

There has been some loss over the past few months too. Between loosing stripes, friends moving away, the loss of Neil Brundage, and a therapist leaving, there has been some recent changes. Loss is for sure difficult and I actually enjoy processing this with clients. Although we have special people in our lives that fill certain needs - nothing is stagnant and we must be prepared for change. We end up moving along and finding new ways to have needs fulfilled. Or we turn into ourselves, become depressed, and often develop unhealthy patterns of not trusting others and therefore not being able to once again form a relationship as healthy as the previous. But I understand in order to be a healthy individual we much adapt to our changes, trust, and engage with others who can assist us in this process. Although I understand this I am recently concerned that I will never be able to fully enjoy or even engage in a committed relationship due to this view... humph.

OK well that's quite a bit for now.

Road Trip 2010
I had a super awesome vacation and it ends today. Back to work tomorrow and normal functioning life. I had a lot of fun and driving down south by myself was no so bad. Spent the night in Harrisburg then headed to Myrtle. Had a good time handing out with Marc. We spent some quality time together and it was great. Went out to eat and did random things. Met up with some hillside people my first night there and was out all night with them. The beginning of my craziness. I went to Willmington to visit Jen and we went out for dinner. It was nice to sit and have a good conversation with her. Fun and educational. That's how I enjoy my conversations to be. Greenville was good fun too. I was nervous as it was yet another wedding and I didn't know anyone this time. But I'm a social butterfly and met a lot of new cool people and had some good conversation and good fun. It really displayed how I enjoy good company and good food of course. I ventured to Rome, GA to visit Dr. Hughes. It was good to see him after about 3 or 4 years. We went out for lunch and he showed me around his campus and work. It was a nice visit and is always good to talk with people who are sarcastic like me. I ventured back yesterday and here I am.

I want to leave again. I am home and things are not how I want them to be. I must be asking too much from life right now. Enjoy what I do have and the rest will hopefully come someday. But I will not be idle. For time has limit and the threat of death encourages us to act. We cannot be idle because as humans we hold freedom and responsibility.

I really enjoyed Pastor Fritz's homily at the ceremony. For my purpose to remember "breaking, coasting, and stepping on the gas." He also did a good job in describing love as a choice and not a feeling. So he did a good job. I enjoyed it.

We have options. The question is, "are we willing?" I know I am.

Well I'm really happy as I'll be beginning my FIRST REAL JOB on May 10th 2010. It flows. I like it. It will be a monumental day in history. (Personal History that is). When I was little I dreamed of having an office, being out on my own, going to work, looking nice, and doing my thing! I don't have my office yet, but I was talking to my supervisor and we think we know what one it is. And it is nice and has a huge window. I can't wait to start decorating. I'll be going shopping for office decorations sometime in the future. I think I'm gonna go broke next month. I'm all excited and I like to spend money when I'm happy. It feels good!

I love doing individual and group psychotherapy. I every day I understand more and more that this is what I was meant to do. There is a type of fulfillment that I am not sure if I can totally explain when you begin to fulfill your purpose here on Earth. Somewhere around the terms completeness and wholeness. I am just so happy as to where my life is right now. I'm looking forward to getting involved with things after graduation. Working 40 hrs a week is going to seem like nothing compared to the amount of hours I put in a week right now... which, I honestly don't want to know that answer. I think it's like 60 hrs a week, not including time spent doing homework. So 40 will be a breeze!! I'll be working until 8 one night, so i'll do a noon-8 which will be cool so I have one day a week to sleep in :-) I love sleepin in. I'm thinking doing those days either monday or wednesday. Then there are prescreen days... hmmm maybe Thursdays for that? I'll figure it out.

I'm just super stoked, so this is what I'll be talking about :-)

They are doing a story on suicide on CNN, woot! YAY for saving lives!

I feel like I'm not gonna make it out of this alive. The way my schedule is now it is near impossible that I finish all my work by the end of April. I'm really counting on "I guarantee you a job here after graduation." If I hear those words, I'm quitting Hillside ASAP. I think I have enough money to last me until May cause I'm getting my tax return money back. That should be enough to hold me over. Then I'd begin work and start getting a paycheck which will be more than what I'm getting now. I'll probably increase my retirement contributions from 3% to 6% and begin the long journey of paying back those loans! So I am really hoping to hear those words soon. I hope I'm not working myself up for disappointment. I need this. I don't see how I'll get through continuing with nooo days off. April is going to be the month from HELL. So I won't see anyone until May probably.

Off to write my paper on Suicide :-) Hopefully the words just flow from my fingertips!

(no subject)
So, my mom had her biposy this week and they found a cyst and removed it so they assume that's what was causing the bleeding. So everything should be good.

The Red Book finally came in (my birthday present) so I'm excited about divulging myself into that book!

Jamaica was good, a lot of issues though, but def a good, learning experience. Drove across the island a few times so we got to see A LOT! The water was the best part. And boy is it hot there.

Time to play some piano

So I am really excited about going to Jamaica in a couple weeks, especially since it is soooo cold out right now. It will be a niiiice chance of pace. I know I will be exhausted, but the sun is good for mental health for sure!

Stacey has the traveling bug! I'm going to do something that I have always wanted to do, and the time is approaching. I'm going to travel cross-country from mid Jun to the end of July. I figure I should be able to get the trip in a month and a half. I have a few friends to stay with along the way. This is the sole reason why I've always wanted to have a decent amount of friends - to travel for free :-p A coworker also told me about this site called People evidently allow you to sleep on their couch for free. And there is feedback from other members about their stay, etc. So that sounds cool. One of her friends did it an had a good experience. Time for me to do some living, then come back and begin working. Also, with this trip and visiting so many cities, I can get a flavor about moving elsewhere if I wanted to. Seeing. Hmm this would be a great place to live, or I couldn't ever live here. Etc. That is something I've always wanted to do. People ask me, where is your dream place to live? I say, well I haven't been everywhere so I can't give you an educated answer! Although I won't be going to every city in the US, I will have a much better idea about what is out there.

With that said, I'm gonna miss out on about half the summer here in the ROC. That's not anything new though ;-) I also want to extend an invite if anyone wants to meet me somewhere for a few days or whatnot, that would be cool.

But it is time for me to explore and meet new people.

Time for my yearly New Years update. Last night I went to Masny's house for a party. It was a good time. I didn't know many people, so I met new people! And that is always a good time for me. So didn't have any plans, but turned out to be a good time. New Years was always one of my favorite holidays because as I have previous stated in LJ is when EVERYONE gets together. That is because I would always have all my friends over, so it was a time that everyone got together. Then one year I went to California which was a good time, but I left my friends. Since then I've been back in Rochester, but being together on New Years was still important. This year was completely different. But it was good. It's hard to accept that those days of friends getting together is long gone. But meeting new people is always enjoyable to me, so it turned out to be a nice opportunity.

This break has been full of reunions. Went to Lockport, Medina, Albion, and Kendall. I'll make an effort to see old friends, as long as the effort goes both ways. I've always found it interesting that it seems to be the people that you would think would want to get together, you don't, and people you didn't think would, do. It has been a theme throughout my life, yet my expectations have not changed. I am always somehow a little surprised, when learning the same thing year after year, you think my expectations would change. Writing this down will help with expectations for next time.

I've got some resolutions for sure this year. It is def going to be a good year I can see. Jamaica, Graduation, prolly gonna end up road tripping to SC for Rachel's Wedding, so gonna check out sights and such and make a big trip out of it. Also hopefully obtaining a job as a mental health therapist.

Growing, learning, changing, accepting, experiencing. This will be some underlying factors of life in 2010 :-)

Book Idea
"The Balance between the P and the J"

I get a lot of these random ideas. I need to start writing them down :-)

For the rest of us!

Happy Festivus everyone!

I'm quite into the Christmas Spirit this year. Looking forward to tomorrow and Christmas Day. Oh, and today. Going out to lunch, going out later tonight. Oh, and Yesterday had my Aunt and Uncle over and made them dinner and we played Beatles Rock Band. And Monday was Kim's party. AND this past weekend I went to Medina, Lockport, Kent, and Albion respectively and saw many old friends. It's been a good week so far :-)

It's about that time again. Time to reflect and put an objective eye to everything. Life is telling me to keep on moving and simply accept these changes.

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how....

I have a why

Who will grow with me on my journey?

It will fall together. Piece by piece.


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